Following my dating app review it felt only fitting that I should follow up with a dating experience.
Ever have a date that you wanted to forget?
Ever have one so bad there was no way you ever could?!
Bad dates. Everyone has experienced at least one. Whether they were a little weird, a bit on the dumb side, or just flat out rude. My bad date story is an amazing combination of all three.
It was a blind date set up by an out-of-state friend. We chatted on the phone for a while and he seemed nice enough. We had all but traded pictures but my friend assured me he was cute so I didn’t worry about it. We made plans to get lunch the following day. My absolute favorite food is sushi and he had never tried so we thought it would be an adventurous first date idea. Great! We had decided on a meeting spot and a lunch place and seemed to get along well enough to go on an actual date. What could go wrong?
So the next day comes and I am all set. Cute outfit, money in case things went unexpectedly Dutch, and a fully charged cellphone with 911 on speed dial.
We were set to meet at Barnes and Noble at 11 and luckily, I was in walking distance of the shopping center.
Now, this was in the middle of July and if any of you live in the Carolina’s you know that summer in the south is a lot like living on the sun. Seriously, it gets sweltering hot here. Still, this did not in any way prepare me for what I was about to see.
He said he would be waiting for me in the fantasy genre and lo and behold there is he was. Wearing a…a thick black padded vest over his t-shirt and under a huge leather jacket! WTF? I was trying so hard not to make a face but anyone who knows me knows that I have a hard time hiding judgment. So you can imagine my struggle to hide pure confusion as to why this dude was wearing what looked like a bulletproof vest in July. I pulled it together and managed to smile through it as we said our hello’s and he gave me a super awkward hug.
I thought to myself, “You know what? Get over yourself. You know plenty of people that you actually like that have weird quirks. He’s just being upfront about his!”
Fine. Outfit blunder forgiven. But I had to ask.
“What are you wearing?” I asked in a humorous, nonchalant way. Trying to come off curious yet unbothered.
“Oh, it’s a cooling vest!” He explained as he gestured to the large pockets that lined the front of the vest, “It’s filled with ice packs.”
“Oh, ok cool” Not really but whatever, I’ll keep an open mind.
We talked a little more as we strolled over to the restaurant. He was super talkative which honestly was great because I tend to be quieter when meeting new people. Once we got there we walked in and were seated immediately. I could tell he was uncomfortable looking over the menu but I was impressed that he was still willing to give it a try.
We placed our order and continued to talk.
We didn’t have to wait too long before our orders came. For the life of me, I cannot remember what I ordered but I do remember what he got.
A spider roll.
I will NEVER forget what he ordered and this is why.
They brought us our food and we began eating. I wanted to get his first impression of sushi and was pretty let down when his first reaction was a face of not only complete disgust but obvious confusion.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
He ignored my question and spat out his roll with Oscar-worthy drama as called our waitress over.
I still had no idea what was wrong and was waiting for an explanation.
Once the waitress was at our table he turned to her and pointed to his roll and complained quite loudly.
“The crab in this roll hasn’t been de-shelled!”
Now pause a moment. If you have never had sushi or even a spider roll you might be confused.
The ingredients in a spider roll are rice, seaweed, cucumber, and soft-shelled crab. Soft-SHELLED crab. SOFT SHELLED CRAB!
Now before you go thinking, maybe he just didn’t know what was in it.
It is fairly common knowledge that on sushi menus, every roll shows a complete ingredient list beneath its name!
The waitress was obviously confused and looked towards me to see my take on this.
I was just as confused.
She stammered a bit trying to explain so I figured I’d help.
“It has soft-shelled crab in it.”
He looked puzzled.
“The shell is supposed to be there. It’s totally edible and makes the roll crunchy. It has the description on the menu.”
He still seemed a bit agitated but a little more out of embarrassment now.
The waitress finally spoke up, “Would you like something different sir?”
He mumbled under his breathe while frowning at his plate, “No, it’s fine.”
I apologized to the waitress and she left.
That was strike two.
I can totally forgive the sushi confusion but when a person starts being rude to the wait staff, then they’re not a nice person. He didn’t even bother to apologize!
At that point, I just told myself to get through lunch and chalk it up to the bad date that it was shaping up to be.
I found it a little difficult to really commit myself to the conversation after that. He, however, had no problem talking about everything under the sun; video games, gaming systems, joysticks. Okay so more like everything under GameStop. I had already had the sneaking suspicion he was a hardcore gamer but this was getting boring.
He was in mid-sentence when his phone rang.
Normally, I would consider answering your phone on a date was rude but this time it was more of a relief.
“Oh, it’s my roommate.”
“Cool, no problem. I’m just going to head to the bathroom.”
I left the table and ran-walk to the bathroom.
I needed an out at this point. Someone had to be willing to rescue me.
I called the first person that came to mind; Mom.
“Mom! Oh my God I am on the worst date ever! Can you please call back in like five minutes with an “emergency”? Something to get me out of here?”
She laughed. Are you frigging kidding me??
“Sorry hun, I’m about to go into a meeting. You’ll have to let me know what happened later.”
Before I could say anything else she hung up.
What kind of mother just leaves her daughter to fend for herself on a bad date?
I put my phone back in my purse and left the bathroom.
I found the waitress and asked if she could bring us the check then returned to the table.
HE WAS STILL ON THE PHONE YA’LL.
He put his hand over the receiver before mouthing-whispering to me, “He just needs help setting up his new gaming system.”
Who the heck interrupts their date to walk their roommate through a game system set up?
The waitress showed up with the check and I pulled out my wallet fully prepared to pay the entire bill if it let me end this date.
He held up his hand and pulled out his wallet.
Well, at least I’m getting a free lunch.
Without ever hanging up the phone, he paid the bill and I swiftly stood up preparing to leave.
I took a moment to return the awkward side hug from earlier and tried to head towards the door but he stopped me.
He put the phone to his chest, “Let me take you home.”
Oh hell no.
“Oh no, don’t worry about it. It’s like a five-minute walk.” I was lying. It was more like 20 minutes but I was not about to get in this dude’s car and let him know where I lived.
“It’s no problem at all.”
I didn’t get a chance to respond before he returned to his phone call and the next thing I knew we were walking to his car.
He opened the passenger door and slid in, silently cursing myself.
He got in, started the car, and pulled out of the parking area.
He stayed on the phone the entire ride only stopping every few minutes to listen to my directions.
Finally, he pulled in front of my apartment and I took the opportunity to jump out of the car.
I turned to say thanks before closing the car door when he told his roommate to hold on.
“Do I get a kiss?”
I could feel my sushi roll start to make a return appearance.
“Oh ok.” I said less than enthusiastically.
I leaned in and aimed for his cheek but clearly, he had other ideas.
He turned and shoved his tongue in my mouth.
I wanted to throw up.
All I could imagine was having a huge wet wad of pre-chewed bubblegum rolling around in my mouth.
That was our first and last kiss.
I pulled back and smiled sickly.
“Thanks again for lunch!”
Before giving him the chance to respond I spun around and headed upstairs for home.
I rushed inside and ran for the bathroom.
I have never brushed my teeth so hard or swished mouthwash for so long.
He called me every day around the same time for exactly one week before giving up. I really don’t condone going ghost on somebody but I had absolutely no earthly idea how else to ditch this guy.
I will say the “friend” that set us up and I are no longer friends. Not really because of this but it didn’t help her case.
I would never tell someone not to do it but I think it goes without saying, I don’t do blind dates anymore.